Always thought it was great having a big butt? or are you considering in double up on your daily crunches?… Perhaps this will change your mind.
1. You have heard somebody fake-whisper “Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt…” in your presence.
2. And still, you have yet to be “one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.”
3. Your life is one eternal, never-ending Odyssey-like quest in search of the one pair of pants that fit perfectly, no tailoring required.
3a. And if (when? Dear God, you hope it’s when) you find them, you go broke buying as many pairs in as many washes as you possibly can.
3b. How much money have you spent at the dry-cleaners getting your pants reinforced at all the places that rub and/or rip? All. You have spent all your money there.
4. You own more belts than you can count.
5. Boyfriend jeans either fit just like normal pants to you, or you’re suddenly left with enough excess fabric to qualify as clown pants.
6. You own about 3 pairs of these bike shorts, and consider them your clutch play when it comes to combating suddenly-too-short dresses.
7. You’ll never be one of those people who can just look at a piece of clothing and know it’s going to fit. Ever. (If a dress isn’t A-line, there’s a 75% chance it will either be too baggy on your torso or too tight on your butt and thighs.)
9. Thigh gap is laughable. And a pipe dream. How Beyoncé manages it is beyond you.
9. Cat-callers feel like they get a 2-for-1 deal with you and your butt, because they hate to see you go, but they love to watch you leave.
10. Friends love smacking it, and cite that you have all that extra padding to cushion the blow. (No, actually, there’s nerve endings back there, and that hurts.)
11. Getting through a movie theater aisle when you have to go to the bathroom is a saga. Like, y’all, I’m really, really sorry my butt is in your face, but(t) I really, really need to pee.
12. Some days, leggings are the only thing that fit — but you wash them one too many times, and suddenly there’s a swath of very see-through fabric across your rear end.
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